Get Your Royal Mitts


Off Our Property!
Dear King Felipe VI,
It was sure nice to see you and your missus on our little island for your brief state visit. We were certainly a lot happier to roll out the red carpet and use our best silverware for you than we would be for that twit in the White House. You seem a decent chap, but on hearing of your address to our Parliament I think you need to get something straight. Gibraltar is ours not yours. You are not getting it back, no way Jose.
You may want a “dialogue” between Madrid and London on the status of The Rock, but there’s nothing to say other than to keep reminding you guys that it’s our property. But if you do want to do some of that dialoguing go and have a chat with the people on Gibraltar and see what they’ve got to say. I think you’ll find they’re rather happy with things the way they are.
Look, we love Gibraltar. There are those funny monkeys, the caves and a smattering of duty-free shops. Not being of royal descent, I’m always up for a bit of bargain shopping. There is also a splendid Marks and Spencer, which unlike the UK government operates a returns policy.
Anyway, apropos of nothing in particular, I’d be interested in your views on the ownership of Ceuta and Melilla, the two Spanish enclaves on the North African coast that Morocco would like back. Just being curious.
And while I’ve still got your attention, please can you have a word with some of your politicians whose nationalistic tubthumping about Gibraltar is only to divert attention from their own failings and corrupt practices. We don’t really take them seriously, but it’s irritating all the same.
Well, that’s about it for now. We look forward to your future visits, but next time please bring a stash of that lovely sobrassada.

Respectfully yours,

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