Dear Costa Blanca News
I would like to you to consider an exclusive interview with me as a personal friend of President Donald J.Trump. A fact that even I was completely unaware of until I received the emails you’ll see below inviting me to dine with him and later insisting he was very disappointed I had not answered his personal email to me.
I admit I have not been able to sleep since thinking how much I have hurt dear Donald’s feelings and how, broke as he is, he needs my vital contribution to his US campaign.
I am a proud British citizen who must have gained this honour because once I made a trip to New York and filled in an ESTA immigration form insisting I was not taking bacon and eggs into the country.
I will be replying to my dear friend Donald to tell him that we can finally talk face-to-face in Palm Beach, as he so much desires …. Indeed our friendship across the pond will be announced to the world (I only hope Boris doesn’t get too jealous and cuts my pension – hang on, he’s already done that!).
I will of course contribute to his campaign as he requests, but as we are so good friends I know he will wholeheartedly accept an ‘IOU’ for £5 which is the current balance of my UK bank account (more thanks to our PM, Brexit and the exchange rate).
I realise Donald is so desperate for my presence and contribution that in exchange he will be covering my flight from the UK, pay me a slap-up meal and has even offered to pay for my partner (well, he has to conceal his real intentions I suppose). Not to worry dear Don, I can read between the lines and your promise of a photo together and ‘a night we can remember forever’ is self-explanatory. You even sent me your first email on Valentine’s Day!!
If things go as well as I expect, I can see our relationship developing into something far more serious. So contact me asap regarding the interview as I believe that before the US elections I may be moving to the White House as first man (I know I will be doing the world a favour if I oust Melania) …of course I will be insisting we adopt my surname when he finally proposes, but I’m sure dear Donald will be so over-the-moon with our love that he will be happy to give in, as he so often does on important matters.
Yours truly (or not)
Mr L. Duck
The latest member of Team Trump 2020
(Although the above MAY not be entirely accurate, I assure you these emails I have received are genuine).
Received on February 14
From: Donald J. Trump
Subject: Invite attached for you
I just got out of a meeting with my team to discuss an upcoming trip to Palm Beach, Florida on March 6, and I told them I wanted to invite YOU to join me.
This isn’t any ordinary trip, Lucas. This is a very exclusive dinner with VIP guests and I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather share this special evening with than YOU.
My team will cover the cost of your flight, hotel, and meal, and you can even bring a guest of your choice.
All you have to do is contribute ANY AMOUNT and you’ll automatically be entered to win this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
My favourite part about being your President is having the chance to meet real American Patriots from all across the country and hear what they think Makes America Great.
This will be the trip of a lifetime. Remember, my team will cover your flight, hotel, and dinner, and you’ll get to bring a guest of your choice. We’ll even take a photo together so we can remember the night forever.
You’ve always been one of my best supporters, and I really want YOU to be there with me. My team is sending me the first round of entries TONIGHT. I hope to see your name.
President of the United States
Donald J. Trump
Email received on Wednesday, February 24
Did you see President Trump’s email?
We showed him the first round of Patriots for dinner with him in Palm Beach and he was disappointed to see that your name wasn’t on the list. He asked us why you haven’t entered yet, but we didn’t know what to tell him…
Remember, you’ll get a FREE trip to Palm Beach. We’ll cover your flight and your dinner with the President, and we’ll make sure you have a very nice place to stay.
This could be the trip of a lifetime, Friend, and all you have to do is reply.
President Trump really wants to meet you.
We’re sending him the next list of entries soon, and if he doesn’t see your name, we know he’s going to ask about you again. Don’t make us tell him you STILL haven’t replied- get on the list NOW!
Contribute ANY AMOUNT before 11:59 PM TONIGHT and get on the next list he sees.
Team Trump 2020